As I look around my room the remnants of an all-nighter are scattered across my floor. Markers are strewn between research materials, and dried up highlighters have been angrily tossed in the direction of my overflowing trash can. I know I need to get in the shower, but my body aches from fatigue and I wonder just how dirty I am and if anyone would notice if I skipped today. I have to shower. I know I do.
The same giant framed print has been crooked on my wall since Christmas. I have come to the realization that I will never straighten it, but rather tilt my head whenever I glance at it. It is insane how many things I obsess over and then how many little things I let go. I wish I obsessed over straight paintings and not GPAs. I pull more all nighters than anyone really should. During an average week I skip two or three nights of sleep, and not always because I have papers due in the morning.
There are few things that bring me greater relief than finishing an assignment at the deadline and getting an A on it. Having realized this about myself, I now know that I am the most boring person in the world if I get my thrills from tirelessly working on research papers. I used to be more fun than I am now. I used to be spontaneous and loud, though not dancing- drunk- girl- at- a -crosswalk -yelling -at-strangers loud. I used to get sucker punched at concerts but keep moshing until the song was over. I used to do a lot of things before the light in my eyes went out.
I can't really pinpoint the day that the light fully extinguished, but at some point I lost the confidence to be ridiculous. Ever since I realized this, I have been tirelessly searching for ways to bring back that joy, that laughter that used to double me over in pain.
I realized tonight, as I smiled into the face of my best friend that possibly I am working too hard. I didn't lose the confidence to be ridiculous, but the confidence to be myself- serious, vulnerable, or giggling. I may not have all the answers, and I may not be so sure of why I lost that part of myself, but I know that I am coming back one smile at a time. Each time take that step and choose to live I am given the chance to reinvent myself. Maybe losing myself wasn't so bad after all, because life does seem more fulfilling in the pursuit of well lit eyes.
2 comments:
i think you're right. i think it's okay that the light was extinguished AS LONG AS you continue to search for that light again. it's been said, time and time again, and has been so true in my own life that...the journey is the destination. there may not be a day when your eyes are fully lit again, but your life will be beautiful if you are constantly searching.
Bright eyes, your light will shine again... i promise
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